uh-huh

Hiya allllll,
Well that's it. i'm leaving the country tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn to get a flight down to Heathrow. i'm still not organised properly and it's 11.30pm ... i leave in 5 hours. I'm absolutely terrified to be perfectly honest. It feels as if my subconcious is stopping me from getting there, like it is willing me not to go. Unlucky for my subconcious but i'm pretty definite when i want to do something, so i WILL make it to that airport tomorrow morning in the best condition i can manage haha...
I really am getting very upset at leaving everyone behind. That is what scares and upsets me the most. There are so many people who have influenced my life up to this point in such a wonderful variety of ways that i am terrified to lose any of them. It was my friend Louisa's birthday party tonight and a lot of my old school friends had turned up...people that i used to see every single day, who i haven't seen for a few months. I felt like i was completely isolated, and i felt like i was going to snap. I was not annoyed at anyone, i just felt so tense that i thought i was going to do something ridiculous like turn into The Hulk or something. Seriously...
I honestly don't think i'm going to get any sleep tonight! Every farewell at the party stung and really hurt me so deeply. It's difficult to explain, but although every one of my friends is losing me for a year...they are not losing everyone. I am losing every person i've known in scotland, and that really does make the pain seem so much worse.
Though, i do know that i will be gaining so many more friends out in Honduras. I will gain lifelong friends, and i will meet some incredible people there too. I am going to learn a lot from this year, and that is what is keeping me just on the edge of sanity......
Again, i want to say thank you to every single person who has helped me get to this stage. People have helped in so many ways... The financial support that so many people have offered will never be forgotten, and i believe that by the end of this year i will be completely indebted to you for making this experience possible for me.
I want to thank everyone for their emotional support. My friends have shown a huge amount of respect and admiration for me doing this, and they are also incredibly proud of me. For these gifts to my brain, i will be forever grateful. Every word of support means more to me than anyone can appreciate, who has not been in this situation.
I also want to thank the people who have helped to remind me why i am doing this. The number of times i have wanted to stop and just break down, never to wake up again...The number of times i have wanted to call PT and tell them i'm pulling out....more than i can remember! But every time i get close to that, i remember why i wanted to do this in the first place, and i hear everyone telling me their take on what i'm doing this year, and my motivation, dedication and trust are reinstated :)

But now, i must finish getting everything sorted. Currently i would like to thank a few people for things:
Kirsty...you will always be my life jacket. no matter how many times i feel like i'm drowning, you always save me, and dry me off and give me a warm cup of tea too! Thank you for the present, i look forward to learning more, and i will cherish it forever because you gave me it :) I'm going to miss everything about you, but i will always love you, forever. My favourite budz in the whole wide world.
Michael...thank you for opening my eyes to the pain that can be seen from the other angle. you have helped me understand how i expect the people left behind to feel, and all of the thoughts and emotions you have shared with me have been put to good use, in trying to sustain relationships throught this year. Thank you for having trust in me to share how you felt, thank you for having such an open mind when it came to my feelings too. I look forward to speaking to you throughout the year. Keep listening to the good tunes, APHEX :)
Kevin...we will always have our difficulties apparently, but sometimes you gotta decided whether the good outweighs the bad. I believe it does. Thank you for coming to me tonight and saying your goodbyes. I don't think i could have walked onto that plane without feeling a bit of regret after everything we've been through. Thank you, and you will always have an impact on my life. Too late to forget you now kev :)
Grandma...thank you for knowing how disorganised i am at the last minute, and thank you for putting in so much effort to help me make it all happen tonight. It's true that without you i actually probably wouldn't have made it in time...and thank you for you pride, your love, your support and your care. It almost feels like anything good i have to offer, though i don't believe it exists, radiates from you, and for showing me and believing in me being someone special, thank you.
Jilly...you helped me out today too. Everyone gets grumpy from time to time and i know that's me just as much as it's you. But you were as helpful as grandma today and i appreciate that a lot...not to mention your undying faith in my ability to thrive on the experiences waiting for me. you're such a feel good person. THANK YOU.
Charlotte...thank you for being so cute with me :) for being so loving and giving amazing hugs and saying wonderful supportive things to me! I loved our chai tea, and i can't wait to give you that text to take us up to the flat again :) speak to you before you know it, and NO GOODBYES!
Zarella...You're a legend, there is no getting around that, but you've made me smile and laugh more times than many other people have and i will love you forever :) Can't wait to see you again my lovely :)
and to the last person for now...you know who you are. I will always be in your debt because noone has changed my life in the way you have. I look forward to hearing from you throughout the year, and it would be nice to see your face for the reactions you have to my stories of being abroad! I'll be safe, and i'll be coming back, and ten months will fly by. Honestly, i can't wait to see you, or any of my beautiful friends again. Thank you for loving me and caring so much. i feel the same way.
Mum...I'm so sad at the way things have panned out for us over the last few years of our lives, but this change will hopefully open your eyes to the fact that i can do wonderful things. All i want is to make you the proudest person of all. Without you believing in me, everything really does feel like a waste of time. I would have wanted to make Michael Fruhworth proud as well, but that ship has sailed. Stephen, your pride in me is as important as my mum's. You've influenced my life beyond anything i could have believed possible and for that, thank you....and thank you for charging my camera battery. means a lot haha :D
I love you all... and so many others. you're all going to get a shout...expect a few postcards and a letter if i've got your address.
Now, gotta go and finish getting all sorted!
Who knows when my next chance to update this will be, but i'll make it as soon as possible. I'm not gone. I'm just a little further away, but i'm exactly the same Jen i've always been. Please make it through this year with me.
ROLL ON THE NEXT TEN MONTHS OF OUR LIVES!
:)
Love, Jen xxx

:D

Heyyyyy!!!!!

Yes, i got the news i was looking for! PT phoned me yesterday to tell me that Emma and i are going to Honduras around the 16th October :)
Great though that news is, i don't really know anything of the placement yet... seemingly its up in the mountains, and all the men wear cowboy hats!
I was talking to Casey again last night and he was saying that Holly (another volunteer who is just down the road from us) was able to travel to Roatan (the islands) to see them on her own without any difficulty! It looks like socialising with the other volunteers in Honduras shouldn't be too hard! Good to know... :)

Now though, everything feels so real. i remember looking forward to the first time i was going away, back when i was going to Mauritania...the last 2 weeks really fly by. I've got so much i'll need to do!
So many people to see, so many things to sort. Everything is needing done now, and i'm going to get around to it... (firstly, cleaning my room would be a start...packing my suitcase might also help...)

I've got a few addresses now, so start expecting a letter or postcard in the near future if i've got yours!

I'M SO EXCITED! :D

Shall keep you informed :)
Love, Jen xxx