Hola, muchacha...

the tales of an 18 year old, living and teaching in the central american country of Honduras... and all the danger and fun she meets along the way.

Monday 12 July 2010

the fam

Hi,

okay, so the family have arrived WOOO. basically we got ourselves a car...which proved to be difficuly seeing as the blooming rental company didn't have the car there that we had organised. we had to make do with a pickup, our luggage hanging out at the back of the car unprotected. i wanted to sit on the back as a guard but FANCY THAT, the parents said no. mwahaha....

luckily the luggage was fine. we drove to cofradia briefly to pick up my stuff and to speak to ben about the best way of driving to la ceiba, as i didn't know, i'd only ever gone by bus so i couldnt remember the turn offs etc. mum thought it was like an hour to ceiba...oh how wrong, it's like 3.5 hours ahha. so we had to drive through the night. we DID however get the most epic baleadas everrrrr from baleadaladee (baleada lady who makes da neeeeatest ones) for dinner, plus homemade mangojuice. yum.

we drove and finally arrived in ceiba after having to endure a few potholes in the road that literally came out of nowhere. we were going to go for a drive around ceiba to find some accommodation that mum had found, but decided to sack the idea cos we were all shattered. we had to sign into a pure expensive hotel for one night. was definitely a nice experience for me!

the following morning we woke pretty early to stephen telling us we were late. mad dash and we were out of the hotel, for stephen to realise he hadn't accommodated for the daylight saving time, so we were early ahaha. arrived at the galaxy wave ferry terminal, mum and stephen took the car back to the dealer in ceiba. tom and i hung around the ferry port while grandma sat inside. was nice to be able to finally talk to him, we hadn't done much chatting since their arrival.

we took the ferry over and arrived on the island, got a people carrier to our accommodation that mum had organised... an actual appartment/wooden house on the beach of sandy bay! :)

we flooded in, i was checking it out, it looked amazing. John, the man in charge, took us around the rooms. i thought we were all in 2 rooms - there were like 2 double beds in some rooms, a single and a double in others, so i thought we were sharing, but NO. turns out we were all getting our own room, grandma in one, mum and stephen in one, me in one and tom in the other! there was a lovely decking area on the elevated porch of the appartment, and our own kitchen/dining area complete with a bookshelf full of games, books, jigsaws, magazines...! they were obviously used to the realllllly boring days that the island holds. when it rains, for example, the beach isnt much fun, and the bars/clubs are closed most weekdays...so what do you do?! sit in and play monopoly with the family as was the case for me one night. just for the record, we all got totally MASHED by stephen's incredible command of the game. i guess that's what happens when you download the game for your phone and spend every waking minute on it eh? TOUCHE. blub.

so we settled into the island. i took a trip to marlin's hotel, the place i stayed at eastertime...she had let me off paying the cost of my accommodation so that i could get back to my old placement asap, so i made it my priority to shoot down there and give it to her, im sure she never expected to see it again!

aww what a wonderful greeting 'LOOK AT YOUUU, you've lost so much weight!!' guess i was pretty chuffed to hear that ;) she welcomed me with open arms and gave me a piece of her LEGENDARY sweet potato cake. it is to die for.

we chatted and caught up with each other, she was so grateful to see me, she wasn't concerned about the money at all! it was nice to be welcomed back with so much love and smiling happiness, i remembered why i loved Roatan so much... :)

i headed back to sandy bay to be with the family. it feels like a blur now... i see them there, i remember them being in the flesh, standing in the kitchen, on the dock, out at the pier... they really were actually definitely 100% HERE. jeez.

speaking of the dock, we did a fair bit of snorkelling while we were there. it was awesome, i saw some pretty amazing things there, baracudas, parrotfish, starfish, angel and butterfly fish, squirrel fish... it was amazing. saw a fair amount of dory's from finding nemo too ahah.
the snorkelling was amazing though, we got the equipment free with our accommodation, some kayaks too, so stephen and tom did that a couple of times. i snorkelled out with mum, she claimed that i talked to the fish in the water... i actually did, don't ask. we swam through the shallow coral, through tunnels, with schools (i am SURE it is a school of fish, though kevin insists its shoals. i think we're both right), around all the types of marine life. we swam deep into the coral, the water level getting shallower and shallower, until you pop over on shall piece and all of a sudden the greatest expanse of water is infront of you, too far to see more than ten metres of clear blue infront of you... caves of fish and shellfish and anenomies (sp?) and bigger fish swimming around below us, i saw a parrotfish that was literally about half my size. thats a blinking massive fish by the way. i was like WOAH.

we met John before, the guy who kinda manages/owns the place. he owns a bar too, and some other rooms. he liked to drink and was pretty hilarious on certain occassions at the bar ahaha. i THINK it was his wife, Sue, who ran the bar. she was hilarious and great. attended to our eeeevery need, whipping a new salva vida in place of the empty ones before we could even ask her, entertaining us with her funny chat. she was a character, so hard to describe. she seemed to think she knew what she was talking about a lot, but didnt REALLY know, which made her seem kinda cute. she was adorable, a really lovely person to have met on the island. she was great to chat to when you just wanted to chill and have a nice wee laugh :)then there was Angie, who i had met at christmas time up at the oasis pool bar, she spilled my beautiful cocktail all over the floor and gave me 200 lemps to cover it haha. she couldnt remember me of course, she was completely trollied on new years eve :P so she worked a couple of days at the bar, she organised a bingo night with the other people staying in their accommodation, from texas. keen divers they were.

anyhoo, thats the intro. more to come!

love Jen xxx

Wednesday 7 July 2010

and THEN....

hey :)

okay so we returned from Belize, and Ian was on his what to NY where he works in a summercamp, so cool, think i might do that next summer?

and by this point laura had gone also. kev was getting ready to leave in a couple of weeks, and we realised that we needed to get some souvenirs! lets just say we were a great shopping team, got some awesome bargains and one of a kind items...was really great! we got all sorts, honduras football gear (which reminds me, we went to see the football in the city!) shirt, scarf, mugs, towels, keyrings all sorts. looking cool, kev got a bandana ahaahhahaa.

the shopping was great, i'm really excited to come back and give out a couple of presents from Honduras! :D

and then... the family were coming out. i'd been waiting for this day for sooooo long. when all the things were going wrong i'd been wishing for this day. even when things were going right i was dying for them to come out, to experience the amazing things i have the privilege of seeing. i was so excited to see my mum, to thank her for all the wonderful things she's done for me since i got here...for supporting me through EVERY single thing i came to her seeking help with... i grew to appreciate her, and to admire her. she's my MUM for goodness sake! i no longer have that 'i know everything' idea. i now know that my parents are people i need to learn from too. i know stephen's going to have a feild day everytime i come to him seeking some advice or help of one kind or another... hopefully both of them will look forward to seeing a change in my supporting and helping them... :)
i couldnt wait to see my grandma, though i was pretty worried about how she would cope with all the crap that goes on in this country...knowing all the while i'm sure she would LOVE it! i couldnt wait to see Tom again..to see the brother who has grown into such a cool guy, see how he's changed in the last 9months...so much.

the only problem was that they were late in arriving. delayed flight. shite.

but eventually i saw them walk through a space in a room far to the back of the building, through a tiny split in the mottled glass. i then stood there for about 20 minutes...as per usual.
i moved to the end of the exit for the people arriving. i waited a few minutes and then MUM'S HEAD CAME BOBBING THROUGH, looking over the crowd, mouthing the words 'where is my baby'

i quickly waved her over, and of course she started greeting, as usual haha. she looked so beautiful. so safe.

grandma came marching out, chin high and called my mum back in cos she'd managed to fail at some kind of security nonsense. the other 2 weren't out yet.
i hugged grandma, who looked a little shocked, and i felt HUGE beside, as always, my wee grandma.

mum, stephen and tom came trooping through the doors and it was wonderful to see them. tom was so much taller than me now, goodness sake...and stephen looked just the same as always, blub ;)

it was nice. what a nice introduction to my family coming on holiday to see me. it went better than i'd ever imagined!

i'll write all about our trials and tribulations travelling through Honduras soon, i promise :)

love, jen xxx

Saturday 3 July 2010

anyway

hey :)

so that was the end of the river rapids trip...

next stop was just the part where i got mugged. it seemed like such a non-event that i forgot to tell my family about it until about a week later!

i was just walking down the street, minding my own business when some guy crossed from the other side and walked right up to me, put a knife against the right side of my stomach and said 'dinero'
i threw my money into his hand and continued 'celular?' and i said 'no tengo'

he pulled the blade back and continued down the road like nothing happened.

and that was the end of it! the amount of money taken was 5Lempiras, or 15p, or 25cents.

HAHAHAHA, oh dear.

that was a couple of days before my friend laura was to leave. after the event i walked a block further and she opened the door to let me into my house in such a panic, i'd obviously sounded a little stressed by the way i'd said 'Laura, open the door please'... she looked at me, my knees and hands were shaking and i was a little panicky, and she asked me what happened....away out to the road she ran, to see what was going on but the guy was nowhere to be seen. thank goodness, i didnt really want to see him again!

a few days later we were leaving to go to belize, to renew our visas...my especially (it was over a month out of date...typical.)

Laura was leaving a couple of days into our trip, so we were going to miss the last day of her time in cofradia...she'd been here for well over a year. the night before we left, Laura and i stayed up and talked and just hung out before she left. i was really sad to be losing her, she was a big part of my life here in cofradia :( so we all sprinted up to the park at about 4am, and i didnt sleep that night so i had my packing done for the time when we were leaving. a little late...perhaps, but I PROMISE i'm working on it :) we all wandered, zombiefied by sleep, to the park... Laura's house was a cutoff road, one block down from the park. she left us to go to hers...our bus arrived, and we stood there, kevin ringing her, and she yelled 'im coming' so then there was the epic arrival/farewell scenario where laura comes up to our stop and we all get to hug her and say bye and do all the crappy emotional stuff, and then our bus came, again. we squished onto the back, and waved bye to her. that was the last time i saw her in cofradia, and honestly i dont expect it to be the last time i ever see her, i intend to fly to NYC party with her, as i always did :)

anyway, laura left, and here we were on our way to belize. i think it might be important to refer, again, to the fact that my visa was out of date. we headed to the northern border of honduras with guatemala. i crossed that border undetected, and we headed out to the other side. there was a building to our left which was just CALLING my name...and we walked over. of course they noticed that it was over a month out of date...
let's just say that with a good bit of co-operative acting by Kevin, Ian and myself, i managed to squash the fine down to the lowest charge... 2,750Lempiras... 134 dollars or thereabouts. its was better than the next charge up which waas over $200!
i paid, relieved and yet again a little poor, in Guatemala. we took a boat from guatemala to punta gorda, Belize. kevin and i had a shot of driving the boat, it was awesome! our captain was super cool, he drove me to the visa office on his motorbike hahah! when i say captain, the boat could have no more than about 16 people in it at any one time... but it was cool :) super speedboat type thing.

arrived in punta gorda, where LO AND BEHOLD, ian's bank card stopped working. I couldnt check my bank balance without the internet and here i was with guatemalan Quetsalez (or something), Honduran Lempiras, but no belizian dollars. blast.

kev used the internet, i checked my balance and luckily, i managed to lift a fair amount to carry me through the trip. relieeeeffffff. we took a bus from punta gorda up to dangriga, another garifuna town. there was also a large population of chinese people which we weren't expecting! their food was awesomely good though :D

we stayed in a REALLY creepy hostel kinda place, owned by some old woman who looked like the Hunchback of notradame, only fatter. she was really weird and spoke english in a french accent. she wanted to charge us a mint, i tried to get her to lower her amount but NO, she didnt want to. so i was like pffft i dont like this place and she was like 'well go somewhere else then' and i was like aw crap. i just got owned by her! the other places were even worse! so we ended up in this room, with a triple bed, a double bed and a single bed.
we slotted the beds together and ended up with some MASSSSSSIIIIVVEEEE bed. seriously we were totally on like our own double bed within this massive bed! teach her a lesson....pah.

so we stayed there, got up the following day and headed to the dock to travel to one of the TINIEST islands ever, called tobacco quay. it was soooo small. walk for 5 minutes from shore to shore in every direction! we took the ferry to this little island, crawled off and explored. we hired a tiny little cottage hanging over the shore. it was so picture skew (picturesque...)
we hired $5 snorkelling gear and headed out. it was so beautiful, and this was the first time i had snorkelled since i was really young! and in the middle of the caribbean, i was in for such a treat! :D
saw all kinds of fish, angel fish, butterfly fish, DORY fish haha, starfish... and a barracuda which opened its toothy jawz if i got too close... :P

we headed back to shore, got showered and sat around with some bacardi, and a little of ians vodka :) we drank merrily and danced like loonies to all the songs we remember from the UK (yes, ian lived there for a while just recently, he knew allll the same song as us!) and we had such a good evening, i met a few girls from the US who were on their last night after about 3 weeks of marine biology study... so cool!

the following day, we headed back home. it was a short but sweet trip!

that night we arrived at the border crossing between guatemal and honduras...about 8 oclock...

of course, there were no buses, and taxis were RIDICULOUSLY expensive, in UK prices! we were told that there is a little town just beyond the border with a couple of cheap hotels. we watched the sky get darker and darker, so quickly as we were surrounded by mountains, and headed out into the night :)
we started walking down the cutoff road (after walking for about 20 minutes up and down the main road, we forgot to take the turnoff...) and it was literally PITCH BLACK. i couldnt see my hand infront of my face it was so bad, no moonlight whatsoever.
i spotted a little house to our right. i headed to the door, knocked and called in spanish. a man called out WHO and i replied...' ehh, jennifer?? we're afraid of the dark! hahaha...' and he called out to wait and we waited. he arrived and he offered to walk us up to the town, he was heading up there anyway. i chatted to him about hotel prices, english, whether he's scared of living where he does, how long he's been there...all that jazz..in spanish! :) very proud times in my life.
we headed to the hotel, i negotiated with the man...in his lounge/house/office. he said they had no rooms and we could sleep on the floor. it was cheap. he would bring us matresses...
i was a little on the short side for money, so i said fine. the boys said they'd see! he brought out all the stuff, i stood my ground and said i'd stay. he put the matress on the floor of the office. i still said FINE and stayed. eventually a pile of 20something honduran guys came in and filed about 6 each into the 3 rooms around me. i got up and the boys were like GET OUT ahhaha and so we all left and said sorry we didn't want to stay anymore!

we walked out and wandered through the town towards the otherr hotels we'd heard of...everyone was full :| like, EVERYONE. we were standing infront of someone's open style house/bar thing, and headed over to get some light. there were about 4 old men who were totally wasted and downing shots like noones business. (shots of guaro, its like 'alcohol' in general, and shots are like dixie cup sized! these men were taking like 3 gulps per shot. i thought i was no lightweight but seriously, this would put SCOTLAND to shame...almost) ;)
we spotted a younger guy, he started talking to us in english with an american twang, though his vocab wasnt that great, we could understand him pretty clearly. we stayed at the bar chatting to these people for about half an hour, waiting for a taxi to come and take us into the main town with more hotels. yeah, the car never came.
Michael was the boy's name. he invited us to stay at his house on the ACTUAL borderline, there was noone but him staying there. he bought us all a beer (apart from ian who was sleeping in the hammock at the bar hahaa...) and kev and i talked with him. we agreed to stay at his, and thanked him.

we traipsed up to the crossing in town, his pal came along with a truck and we sped up to the border on the back of his pickup :)
we passed the police, crossed the border and took a small turnoff to a tiny little newly built house. we walked in, there was a double bed and a single on the floor, Michael said he'd sleep on the couch. so me and ian ended up crashing on the double, kev on the floor (ian definitely doesn't fancy me. he's gay) :)
we woke up the next morning and headed out, michael was already tending some horses, and then we marched back along the border, got the bus, and arrived back home in cofradia!

that will do for now. more to come shortly :)

love yaaaaaaaazz xxx

Friday 2 July 2010

well well well...

hey guys. my BAD. i want to keep writing this blog and im so sorry i've not been doing such a good job of it.

what's happened lately...

a) school ended
b) went to jungle river lodge
c) got mugged for 15p
d) Laura left
e) went to belize
f) souvenir shopping
g) my family came to visit
h) kevin left
i) looking out on the next month...the last month

so yeah, the school year finished...and with it, came exams!!
i prepared exams in almost all subjects for my kids: english writing, listening, speaking and writing, mathematics, art, pe...

they did them over the course of a week. there were students that i KNEW wouldn't put their all in...naughty little munchkins like Cesar, Raymundo etc. Cheeky wee boys, but so adorable. the life of the class (i feel like i have some type of relatino to these kids...anyone reminded of my school years??)

they did all of their exams...a LOT of marking for me, and a lot of filing too...getting to know how the system worked in CBS...it was an experience! nothing in comparison to the 5 months prior to my being here...

had an awesome time with the kids, doing football and sports on the last day, dancing, eating icecream and having a great time. i got a couple of videos of them, they'll go on facebook as soon as i have a good enough internet connection :)

so that was the end of the year...it was great! all the kids were so relieved! as were some of the teachers of course :)

we smooshed past the few days during the summer that we didnt have anything planned just hanging out at the rocks, the swimming pool and going through to san pedro every so often. the rocks was like our second home :) other times we would go through and visit our friend Laura, or Terry...sometimes we'd just sit with ben and william and talk nonsense. ian became a closer friend over these few weeks.

[incase we dont know... Laura (aka the smuggler) was an ex volunteer from New Jersey, part Honduran also, and she lived just near the park. i used to tutor her nephew and that was held at her house every 2nd day, so we spent a lot of time together (the boy was always late. everyone on honduran time...typical!) listening to music, talking nonsense, joking about, talking about our problems. it was amazing. i'd not really had the chance to make a real friend in Honduras since i arrived as my old towns didnt really have much in the way of english speakers, and i never thought i would have the time or ability to make a good friend in the short time i had in the country... so i really got close to Laura and i know we'll see each other again in the future. THANK YOU! :)
Terry is the man who built the rocks, and is currently building his own place just near by. he's married to Dunia who is a really lovely honduran woman. she makes awesome bread! terry used to be in the vietnam war and has a lot of stories to tell.
Ben is the owner of the rocks, and william is his 15 year old son.
Ian is a volunteer from canada, the Science teacher. he was a great friend and a really entertaining character, he always managed to make me laugh. BWEN ASSSSSS!!! (his accent while articulating Buenas...)]

one weekend we planned to do some white water rafting up in La Ceiba - The Jungle River Lodge. the party consisted of JEN KEV WILLIAM and IAN. we took the bus early morning to La Ceiba where we took a cab to Banana Republic (linked to JRL) and booked ourselves in for hostel stay at JRL and some white water rafting :)
the water rafting was amazing :) i had to dress up like a complete tube of course, but it was a good look. red is so my colour.

the course instructors were super cool too, good english, good banter! it was a good experience :) we got a couple of drinks in in the evening, and we jumped off the cliff into the water (not in that order...) so many times, it was so awesome, pure exhilarating in the dark :)

the following day we trekked all the way up a mountain to a waterfall... it was SO BEAUTIFUL. amazing, cool water (which i drank, my bad? i wasnt ill though!) but it was a pure great work out, it was amazing to see and it was such relaxation! amazing...the trek back could have been done without, i was seriously lacking agua...
but yeah, v good times!

will write more soon i promise, LOVE XXX

Saturday 1 May 2010

OH MY AY CARAMBA

ooookayyyyyy

i have no idea where to start to be perfectly honest. my life has been a complete blur of stress, isolation, fear, loneliness, opened eyes, awakening, shock, disbelief, pure joy, chaos, fun and sun.

i was having such a horrible time in san juan intibuca. it was horrible. mercedes was horrible. school was horrible and when i look at it now i KNOW why i was unhappy, i hated every minute of what my life had become, and i kept trying to find some kind of solace every single day to make me happy... someone once said 'you shouldn't be made to feel bad for doing something good' and that is SO RIGHT (thank you kevin).

so basically i hated it and i knew i wasnt happy. you saw how much i wanted to go home to scotland and that was me being calm about it! i was pulling my hair out by the roots with frustration and i really was just so depressed and concerned all the time.

so mercedes told project a whole load of bullshit about me being an alcoholic or something, and that was their grounds for sacking me from PT. so mercedes and i officially hate each other hahahaha... and our in house rep turned up at our house to take us away from her. Emma has a placement in san pedro sula, but i was in total limbo to see whether i was to remain in honduras (if i could find my own placement and look after myself) or whether i would have to return home.

our rep came to the house, collected me, keving and emma and drove us to gracias where we hung out for the weekend. the following day we drove to san pedro where i was put up in a kinda hostel place.

i took a bus from san pedro alone to a town half an hour from the city called cofradia. there are 2 bilingual schools here, i turned up here with kevin (who followed suit an hour later) and here we were sitting in some wee town park in a place in honduras where we had no idea where ANYTHING was. idiot that i was, took the bus from san pedro, the man shouted 'cofradia parque' at the bus to let us know where we were but i didnt take notice, so there was me sitting on the bus just bumping my way through the little town of cofradia, all the way along the back roads of the town, passing people and churches and stuff and for a moment i was concerned that i had no idea where i was going, but i decided to let it happen. i just sat on the bus sapping up the town and realising i loved everything about it, from the changing districts within the town, to the side streets, the little schools and churches, to the park and the little pulperias, to all the people doing their thing around the roads...

and so i got off and got on another bus on the same route coming back the way. i stayed on it and got off at the park and sat there waiting for kevin.

he arrived, we phoned our friend in gracias who had mentioned the placement at CBS, cofradia's bilingual school, and asked her what we should do, she said get a little mototaxi to the crazy gringo called ben's house. he had a pool seemingly.

so i negotiated with the taxi man until he realised the ben i was talking about (not that I EVEN KNEW who i was talking about) and we popped in the cab. we arrived at the place, walked in and realised we were in a place of pure bliss. it was a place called The Rocks, for a reason. the entire pool and whole place is created from rocks piled upon each other, the house is a big wooden house and there are places to jump into the big rock pool... you'll see some photos eventually, honest.

so we chatted to this guy ben for AGES about the school and stuff, we met a guy called martin who took us on a brief tour of the 2 volunteer houses, and i spoke to the school administrator called carla...she said that kev could help out with the huge 3rd grade class...and i could become the new 4th grade teacher of 18 kids.

i had just been given the job '4th grade TEACHER'

holy crap.

so anyway, we found ourselves in the house nearest The Rocks, and kev and i got a big room at the back of the house with 2 beds and a bathroom in it! in our house we have Garret and another Kevin, there was a girl called Jamie but she left just last night.

the other house consists of Carla, Eva, Ian and Suzie, but i will explain all the people at a later date.

just thought i would outline what i'm living in right now.

school starts at 7.15, finishes at 2.10. we get a little breakfast (either a baleada, or a taco, or a pastelito...) and we get a lunch.

i teach the 4th grade class everything, and i can divide my day into whatever lessons i want :)

the kids can be little rascals but they really are just so willing to work, and their english is AMAZING.
over the past week or so that i have been teaching them, i have successfully taught them all how to divide WITH REMAINDERS, when they have never done division in their lives. i am so proud.

there is so much more to talk about but i can't think right now, plus i want to go for a swim right now, i'm sweating like michael jackson in a nursery...

ask me questions...love y'all xxx

Thursday 8 April 2010

and for every down there is always going to be an up

hey again

right so much as i want all those things below...

i'm still going to remain here until mum comes out at least...mid june, i can SO DO THIS.

i am going to perfect my spanish (which actually isnt so bad right now to be honest, quite pround on that front).
i am going to seriously go on a proper diet and avoid tortillas and beans like the plague, which leaves me with......egg?
i'm going to enjoy teaching the kids i do have, they've already learned so much that i've taught them so that's something to be proud of too right?
i'm going to go swimming in the river today as well, when i get back, and i'm going to clean my room and listen to music and write in my diary and maybe write a decent blog to post at the weekend so you have a vague idea of what i've been doing from day to day. i just got back from roatan so i'm feeling alright from that i guess, it's amazing there.

anyway, blahblah love you xxx

every up must have it's down...

Hey crowd.

okay so last i left off kev was due to come out... we're going to bypass all the stuff at the moment that's happened, will tell you all in due time, but for now i really need to use this space to rant.

honestly, never wanted to come home so much in my life. never missed my family like i do now, never missed the people i love so much... there are so many things i want to get away from here, so many things i want to come home to.

i have to organise my university stuff, it's killing me. i'm so stressed over it.
mercedes wont give me back the $120 she owes me
project trust are SO AWFUL and i can't say that enough.
I am so alone out here and i just want a hug.

i want to get away from this place, i want my own bed in scotland, i want to walk barefoot down to the basement and sit on the green fold out couch and play the out of tune piano. i want to turn on my fairy lights by my bed, open my window and watch the world walk by my house. i want to hear the rumble of the 44 whooshing past my house every hour of the day, i want to see the black taxis with their irn bru adverts and their orange lights. i want to walk around town and remember the streets i knew like the back of my hand. i want to go into town and remember what fashion is.
i want to hop on a 62 and run into my grandma's for a cup of tea which i'll forget to drink while i play with molly who's now a cat and no longer a kitten.
i want to walk around to kirsty's house even though she wont be there just to talk to her mum and her sisters. i want to walk through the natchy as a shortcut up to jordanhill. i want to go into my old school and hug ms gallacher.
i want to walk through the college and take the back routes to anniesland cross. i want to walk up greatwestern road and turn right along my road. i want to walk up to julie's and have her mum force the nicest dinner upon me and her dad offer either a bottle of red or a bottle of rose wine. i want to sit on her couch and plan a night out that wont happen cos we're too busy talking to each other about life and boys.
i want to walk back to my house and pull out my keys with the broken mercedes keyring (irony much). i want to climb the 4 sets of stairs to my room, i want to hear the door creak as i open it and hear the slight thud as it doesnt close properly.

i want to walk around byres road, i want to take a detour through kelvingove park as i walk into town, i want to see the skaters at the park, i want to walk though it remembering the memories i had of that place. i want to walk out onto greatwestern road at cave where i used to buy alcohol underage and never got id'd for my 3l of strongbow. i want to walk to strawberry fields and see my beautiful aunty and all the people who i loved talking to just for ten minutes in my day. i want to walk out and look up the road towards shona's house and remember the memories of that house. i still have her striped cup in my house from that day i walked home with it still in my hand...
i want to go to central station and look at all the trains and remember the people i've met there, remember the trips i took with people, the places those trains have taken me. i want to get on one and enjoy the ride, watching glasgow and scotland fly by the window. i want some neds to come on with bucky and start getting loud and obnoxious and i want to smile because i'll know i'm home.

i want to hear the doors beeping 'please alight here for...' and i want to walk out. i want to be free.

i want these things and so many more. i dont want to be stuck in san juan walking past the monster cows and dogs. i dont want to be stared at and tsssssst at like some animal. i dont want to be called a gringa because i am not american. i dont want to turn up at my school and wait for the 3 children i'm going to teach to arrive and know they dont even need me cos there are too many teachers for my school.
i dont want to watch the family being greedy with their food and drink at lunch, i dont want them to ask me to buy the coke for everyone at lunch to get half a cup and no money back. i dont want to get in the bus with javier and the family as we go home for another long afternoon of awkwardness and boredom. i dont want to go to the stream and swim and be stared at by eveyone who passes. i dont want to eat another tortilla.

i dont want to sweat in the heat, i dont want to hide who i am and be a shell of jennifer hepburn because i cant be myself here. i dont want to live in the country and have nothing to do with myself. i dont want to be alone.

'i want's never get. so someone tell me how you get anything without desire?

i want to go home.

xxx