every up must have it's down...

Hey crowd.

okay so last i left off kev was due to come out... we're going to bypass all the stuff at the moment that's happened, will tell you all in due time, but for now i really need to use this space to rant.

honestly, never wanted to come home so much in my life. never missed my family like i do now, never missed the people i love so much... there are so many things i want to get away from here, so many things i want to come home to.

i have to organise my university stuff, it's killing me. i'm so stressed over it.
mercedes wont give me back the $120 she owes me
project trust are SO AWFUL and i can't say that enough.
I am so alone out here and i just want a hug.

i want to get away from this place, i want my own bed in scotland, i want to walk barefoot down to the basement and sit on the green fold out couch and play the out of tune piano. i want to turn on my fairy lights by my bed, open my window and watch the world walk by my house. i want to hear the rumble of the 44 whooshing past my house every hour of the day, i want to see the black taxis with their irn bru adverts and their orange lights. i want to walk around town and remember the streets i knew like the back of my hand. i want to go into town and remember what fashion is.
i want to hop on a 62 and run into my grandma's for a cup of tea which i'll forget to drink while i play with molly who's now a cat and no longer a kitten.
i want to walk around to kirsty's house even though she wont be there just to talk to her mum and her sisters. i want to walk through the natchy as a shortcut up to jordanhill. i want to go into my old school and hug ms gallacher.
i want to walk through the college and take the back routes to anniesland cross. i want to walk up greatwestern road and turn right along my road. i want to walk up to julie's and have her mum force the nicest dinner upon me and her dad offer either a bottle of red or a bottle of rose wine. i want to sit on her couch and plan a night out that wont happen cos we're too busy talking to each other about life and boys.
i want to walk back to my house and pull out my keys with the broken mercedes keyring (irony much). i want to climb the 4 sets of stairs to my room, i want to hear the door creak as i open it and hear the slight thud as it doesnt close properly.

i want to walk around byres road, i want to take a detour through kelvingove park as i walk into town, i want to see the skaters at the park, i want to walk though it remembering the memories i had of that place. i want to walk out onto greatwestern road at cave where i used to buy alcohol underage and never got id'd for my 3l of strongbow. i want to walk to strawberry fields and see my beautiful aunty and all the people who i loved talking to just for ten minutes in my day. i want to walk out and look up the road towards shona's house and remember the memories of that house. i still have her striped cup in my house from that day i walked home with it still in my hand...
i want to go to central station and look at all the trains and remember the people i've met there, remember the trips i took with people, the places those trains have taken me. i want to get on one and enjoy the ride, watching glasgow and scotland fly by the window. i want some neds to come on with bucky and start getting loud and obnoxious and i want to smile because i'll know i'm home.

i want to hear the doors beeping 'please alight here for...' and i want to walk out. i want to be free.

i want these things and so many more. i dont want to be stuck in san juan walking past the monster cows and dogs. i dont want to be stared at and tsssssst at like some animal. i dont want to be called a gringa because i am not american. i dont want to turn up at my school and wait for the 3 children i'm going to teach to arrive and know they dont even need me cos there are too many teachers for my school.
i dont want to watch the family being greedy with their food and drink at lunch, i dont want them to ask me to buy the coke for everyone at lunch to get half a cup and no money back. i dont want to get in the bus with javier and the family as we go home for another long afternoon of awkwardness and boredom. i dont want to go to the stream and swim and be stared at by eveyone who passes. i dont want to eat another tortilla.

i dont want to sweat in the heat, i dont want to hide who i am and be a shell of jennifer hepburn because i cant be myself here. i dont want to live in the country and have nothing to do with myself. i dont want to be alone.

'i want's never get. so someone tell me how you get anything without desire?

i want to go home.

xxx